Happy 4th!

Every 4th of July brings the world famous Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. Competitive Eating, as it is called, is considered a real sport--the top ranked "athletes" living solely on prize money and endorsements. When your sport has rules like "no vomiting" you belong at a frat party, not on ESPN.

I'd say this is typically American, but the Japanese have us beat hands down in their enthusiasm for this sport. We'll see if Kobayashi can reclaim his title today.

The things we do with our days off...

See last year's Competitive Shitting for more.

Monday: Was your jet shot down? If so, you are qualified to be President!

Losing Hearts and Minds

I was thinking about doing a comic about this, but eventually passed. I still wanted to link to the story in case you haven't heard about it. It's one of those where a mere recitation of the facts is enough to blow your mind. A high school in San Diego wanted to teach kids that drunk driving is wrong.

...a uniformed police officer had informed 20 classrooms that several students had been killed in car crashes over the weekend...

After hours of students' hysteria and uncontrollable weeping in the hallways, chaos broke out after officials revealed that the deaths were all staged. "They were traumatized, but we wanted them to be traumatized," a guidance counselor who organized the exercise told the Associated Press, "That's how they get the message."

(continued at Alternet.)

Should they be hit with exercises like this when they are younger? It would really leave a good mental scar--I mean, impression. What other illegal/immoral activities could we discourage in this way? Extra points for inducing massive emotional trauma in children.

misc.

• Christopher Hitchens accepts a challenge to be waterboarded: "Believe me, it's torture."
  
• August has the last word on Carlin's death.
• Luckovich thinks penguins live in the North Pole.
  

Drill the Whales

After we use up all the oil--what's next?

America's New Phone Plan!

Cross-posted at the ACLU Blog of Rights.

It’s way better than the old plan our founding fathers set us up with. (You know, the one where warrantless spying wasn’t permitted.)

The FISA Retroactive Immunity Package gives you a sleek new phone, all the free minutes you need and the flexibility the government needs to get around your Fourth Amendment rights. Best of all—NO ROAMING CHARGES, even if you are sent to Gitmo!

Hallmark

Steph McMillan, back from the AAEC convention:

One funny thing I heard was Mike Lester's response to people who ask him why he never draws positive cartoons: "Those are called greeting cards."

Nader

Ralph Nader:

"There's only one thing different about Barack Obama when it comes to being a Democratic presidential candidate. He's half African-American."

Grover Norquist:

"John Kerry with a tan."

More of Nader's insightful comments:

"Whether that will make any difference, I don't know. I haven't heard him have a strong crackdown on economic exploitation in the ghettos. Payday loans, predatory lending, asbestos, lead. What's keeping him from doing that? Is it because he wants to talk white? He doesn't want to appear like Jesse Jackson? We'll see all that play out in the next few months and if he gets elected afterwards."

I also wish Obama would focus harder on poverty. But Ralph Nader playing the race card is probably the most ineffective way on Earth to get him to go about this.

Taking a break from his busy campaign schedule, Nader is now telling a black man he is "talking white" and is afraid to sound like Jesse Jackson (note to all black politicians: you need to sound like Jesse Jackson in order to win). As a black man, you are required to go visit ghettos constantly. Ralph Nader spends a lot of time in them talking to poor people, so just follow his example. Oh, and don't forget to make asbestos litigation the centerpiece of your national campaign. OK, you're all set for victory!

Wednesday: Screw the Whales!

Celestial Justice

Appearing today in The Oregonian:

The Oregon-based Followers of Christ Church has been losing a lot of children lately. Primarily because they refuse to take their kids to hospitals--electing instead to stand around, pray, and anoint them with oil. It doesn't have near the success rate of modern medicine so Clackamas County officials want to press charges against the parents. But why stop there?

Green Lung

From a pack of American Spirits:

Organic tobacco: for the eco-conscious addict.

Basic Instructions

Remember back when detainee abuse could be blamed on a few white trash hicks? We've come a long way since then. After torture memos and a high-level meeting on the subject that was attended by almost every major figure in the Bush administration came to light, it's come to this: A CIA lawyer flew down to Gitmo in 2002 and briefed them on torture. (or if you prefer, "harsh interrogation.) He told them, "If the detainee dies, You're doing it wrong."

That's it. If the heart stops, if the body starts decomposing, you probably messed up. Grab another and try again--until you get it right. Until you figure out how to get them talking without killing them.

Monday: Ralph Nader